Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The End of My Last Summer Holiday

It is now the morning of my very last day of my very last official summer holiday, signifying the end of school life and the beginning of being a member of the society's work force and a tax payer. I wonder how I want this day to be and how I am feeling towards this particular moment.

This summer holiday has been an ideal one, one that can actually be regarded as a holiday. I used to cram all sorts of activities in my summers, such as exchange tours, internships, part-time jobs and competitions. I have never had a summer that is so care-free and so full of romance. Spending my whole summer living with my boyfriend (BF) leads me to figure out what a relationship actually means and how moving in and spending our lives together can possibly be like. I know there is not much chance I can have such a test run ever agan if I didn't do it nd that makes me glad. It is through this summer that I know I love BF more than I thought and I would love to gradually try and merge our lives together. This is a summer about love and the emotional needs in me. It is one that made me understand myself more and know that I can never ignore my need to love and be loved.

Today, I am going to start off my day by having a nice Skype date with BF. We will be planning the next two trips for seeing each other and it would give me something to look forward to when I have to be under the pressure from work in the near future. It will not be easy to balance different kinds of costs such as holidays comsumed, air fare and the time we can spend together, but I know as long as we can meet again, I am willing to do a lot more than this. In the afternoon, I will spend my day with friends, hanging around shopping and chatting. I will be hunting for a nice bag for work and a schedule book that starts in September. I want a brand new start for everything after tomorrow, forget about the past and just focus on the possibilities in the future. The day will end by a Korean BBA all-you-can-eat dinner, then come home in the evening, pick my outfit, get documents ready and go to bed early. I guess as a city girl, this would get me to the appropriate fast pace and active mode before I start work.

I am ready to have a lot of fun today and start a new chapter of life tomorrow! Wish me good luck!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Money, Money, Money

I am looking forward to my first paycheck. I start working in September, and I am already looking forward to being able to stop counting pennies. I am pretty sure that I will still count, but not needing to count is a totally different matter.

I have always tried to be independent with my finance. I don't go so far as to pay part of the rent while I live with my parents, but I basically handled my daily expenses while I was in university. The past 3 months without work has put me into an uncomfortable situation. However, as soon as I start my job, everything will be fine!

Today, my family somehow got into a discussion of finances over breakfast. My father was saying that I don't have to worry about him when he is retired as he will be able to take good care of himself, bu I should be ready to take care of my mother as she has been take care of throughout her life. I feel a bit of pressure from this as I haven't even started my job and I have been worried about myself; but I said nothing as I think it was just a reminder, not an immediate request.

After the breakfast, my father went to work and I walked home with my mother. On our way home, my mother started nagging me about how much I should spend every month, how much to save and how much I should give her as "family money". I don't mind contributing to the family, I know this is my responsibility, but I get annoyed by the fact that she tries to comment on my saving habits. Yes, it was a decision to not work for 3 months to see my boyfriend (BF), but I had saved up for it. Yes, I was sort of broke when I came back, but it's not like I have nothing in my bank account. Yes, I am going to handle way more income than I used to, but I am sure I won't get overwhelmed and just spend everything. I have been disciplined with money for so long that I believe I can be trusted.

I don't know whether I overracted, but I want to be trusted and left alone with my own financial matters.

"Money, money, money, must be funny, in a rich man's world"

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Jet Lag, Go Away, Come Again Another Day!

I can't believe jet lag can be that bad. I know I am at a place where there is a 12-hour time difference from where I flew from, but still I didn't expect myself not to be able to control my own sleeping pattern. One would think by watching 5 movies, staying awake most of the time on an 18-hour flight and ending up with two blood-shot eyes would have cured the jet lag as I felt so exhausted by the time I got home in the evening.

However, here is how I slept during the last two days. I basically slept a couple hours here and there all day long. I would wake up at around 7 o'clock in the morning and start my day. Then I would feel drowsy at around 4 o'clock and have to take a 4 hour nap in order to function normally again. So by the time I wake up, it's already dinner time, so I have dinner with my family and start the family TV time. After the last interesting show which ends at 10:30, I would go to my bedroom and start my studying time which would include some reading and blogging. Half an hour later, I would feel tired again and urgently have to go to sleep. At around 2, I would wake up again feeling totally energized, so more self-studying for around 2 hours. Then finding myself ridiculous and would go to bed again till 7.

If I try to calculate how many hours I have slept, it would be as follows: 4+3+3 = 10 (hours)

Therefore, the problem comes from the fact that I sleep more than enough, but the sleeping hours are spreaded out througout the day and this won't work once I start working. I just hope that my cycle will be back to normal soon. Otherwise, I would have to make friends with coffee which I would prefer not to.

I wish life won't be as chaotic as my sleeping pattern; as for the latter, I can probably use coffee to cure, but for the first, something way more complicated has to be done. I have been trying to organize my life since I came back and put my life back on track, I don't know how well I have done, but at least I feel I can handle what is going to come up.

Sweet dreams!

Friday, August 27, 2010

My Darling is a Foreigner

I am currently in a long distance relationship and my boyfriend (BF) is a foreigner. We were brought up in a totally different cultural environment; the only similarity between us is that we are both open to our differences because of our love.

Throughout the summer, I have been through a cultural education program organized by BF. I have watched movies that I wasn't interested in but are his favorites. I have experienced more of who BF actually is and why he thinks in a particular way. Out of all the stuff he has shown me, I wouldn't say I like all of them, but there are really some that are very fascinating an which I have never thought I would love. Other than understanding BF better, I guess such have always benefited me as I now at least know more about what I like and what I don't like among the stuff which I didn't even want to expose myself to.

On the other hand, while BF was visiting my home town, I have exposed him to things that are very different from what he is used to. Because we are basically at the opposite end of the world, we have countless things to introduce to one another about our own culture. There can be big things as what a particular holiday means, or small things such as the traditional sncks of the country. It can sometimes be a challenge of how open-minded we are, but most of the times, it's more about excitement of knowing new things than anything.

However, also because of our cultural difference and the fact that most of the times we are away from each other, my parents are never very optimistic with our relationship. They have a bitof bias about some particular races which is not easy to get rid of. Sometimes, they even go so far as saying I should keep my options open and just enjoy my moments as a young woman. Well ... I do feel pressure from these comments, because there are worries and uncertainies about our future already; what I want to do is just focusing on what I treasure and get the best out of it. On the other hand, I kind of want to prove that I have found that right guy who deserves all my love though we are apart and very different. I don't know whether this is the right mentality, but I do want to prove my parents wrong. I know I love BF an I know he has all the wonderful qualities that my parents may not see.

I am pretty sure I don't have the concept that I am in love with a foreigner in my conscious or even subconscious thinking. I am never very aware that our skin colour and facial features carries the characteristics of different race and that our mother tongue is so different. I remember there are more than once that I looked at him and spoke my mother tongue, and I would repeat that a couple times thinking he can understand until he asked me with a puzzled look whether I was speaking in my mother tongue. I guess this might be something interesting about love, that it helps you to forget the differences that are not so important and that we just focus on making our partner the luckiest person in the whole world.

If you ask me, I don't think loving a foreigner is anything special. We are all human beings anyways. It's just that we may look a bit more different from each other, and there may be creative compromises that we would have to work on. At the end, which couple is totally the same, right?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Officially Missing You

I am experiencing loneliness tonight.

I can no longer wake up in the middle of the night and kiss you on your lips. The bed is not familiar; I cannot sleep well. Now, a bed is a bed, I can only sleep there, no more sweet memories of pillow fights and cuddling.

When you come home from work, I can no longer run to you with a big hug. I start to appreciate how many plates and glasses you use; I would rather wash them all for you than being all alone and not having to wash a thing.

I miss tying your tie before you go to work, the kisses in between and the compliments you gave me after it gives me the greatest start of the morning. I wish I had tied all the ties for you before I left, so that you can just tighten the knot around your neck every day like my love always hold around your neck.

My father is snoring in another bedroom righ now. It reminds me of how I used to squeeze you nose a little and then you would stop. Your snoring has never been too loud or intolerable, and it satisfies my desire to just laugh at you a little bit the next morning. The guilty look you have when you say sorry is always cute.

I love it when you look at me with amazement and say I look stunning. When I first arrived home and met my mom, I had some well-intentioned comments and advice that I had put on some weight and better get rid of that as soon as possible. I was even urged to step on a scale to face the reality. Yes, I have put on 4 pounds and I have lost the eyes which say "You are the Queen of my Heart."

I no longer make scrambled eggs, because you are not there to appreciate and have our very romantic breakfast before you go to work. It's you who turned me into liking well done scrambled eggs instead of the runny ones. It's us who discovered that perfect scrambled eggs should have hot dogs, mozzarella cheese and chicken broth. I miss our little daily routine, because that is how we lived together.

I miss you.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Believe It or Not

Dear Darling,

Back home. After crying my heart out at the airport and listenin to the sound of your heart breaking, we said goodbye and the temporary physical separation begins.

Yes, I was sad, but I have learned a lot. I have learned how much you actually love me, how much you wan me to just stay with you, how much you have tried to be the stronger one to face all these and most of all, how much faith you have in our relationship.

When I was unwilling to let you walk away, you assured me that this is not the end, you will come back for me, I will not lose you because of being physically apart and we will find a way out of his so that we don't have to worry about saying goodbye like that again. Thanks for holding me in your arms when I feel so weak and incapable of leaving.

It's you who kept asking me to look into your eyes and tell me that I should have faih in our relationship. Those eyes carried the emotion I have never seen; your pomises and love become the only thing I can hold onto. Whenever we have to be apart, I always worry that this would be the end and that one day you would just call and put an end to everything we once had. There were so many good memories that I can't afford letting go. Yesterday, you tol me you love me a lot, I am the most wonderful woman you have ever met and you cannot afford losing me. You said we will keep on loving each other. It never strikes me that you treasure our relationship so badly until I heard your really firm tone, decisively look and the pinkie swear.

After a summer full of love and care, it's so difficult to leave. I know at the moment this is what we have to do, but it is like a part being torn from me. It is actually like a miracle that there was not even a fight between us when we lived together. Maybe this really is just another milestone of our relationship and things will just get better in the future. Your faith strengthened me. I know you will be there for me.

I have decided and I will believe in us. See you at Christmas.



Friday, August 20, 2010

A Limit for Nicety

How nice should I be in order to be a nice daughter, a nice friend, a nice lover or a nice colleague? Is there an official limit that people would expect? Or is it a limit that I should set for myself which I feel comfortable with?

Recently, there was something which made me reconsider how nice I should be to people who treat me under the reasonable nicety.

The story happened when I was trying to find another part-time job that can allow me to support myself during my university studying. I ended up in a new education center for little kids teaching English. I was paid around CAD $14 per hour, which is a bit less than what I normally receive, but since it's close by and the lady ensured me a pay rise as soon as the business is getting better, I accepted the offer and started teaching.

Throughout the employment, things seemed to go well. I enjoyed my time with the kids and started to build a nice relationship with them. At the same time, parents were giving compliments on my teaching and some even asked for me specifically to give their children daily tutoring classes. I obtained a sense of satisfaction from all these encouragement and I even introduced my mother to join the center as a part-time assistant, as I was positive that she will have a good time there.

However, after I left the center for my last summer holiday, my mother notified me that I was actually underpaid. The difference between me and another English tutor with the same experience is as much as CAD $10 per hour. I wonder what that means and I feel humilitated by the fact that I was being treated as a fool the whole time.

Due to the strong opposition by my mother, no hatred was expressed to the young lady who did this to me. Since then, I have been trying to maintain a distance from her, but she has been asking for little favors from time to time, and those are the only times that she tries to "stay in touch". After a couple times of doing these favors out of courtesy, I have decided that this has to be the end of it. Otherwise, I would be humiliating myself.

What is your limit for nicety?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I am not a Girl, Maybe a Fluffy Pillow

"Pillow" is a new nickname for me used by my boyfriend (BF). He tole me the reasons, which will be elaborated below, and I think it makes good sense. Therefore, I decided to share with you all about it so that you can have a better picture of who I am.

Reason #1: Bed-Lover

You might not believe in this, but I literally have a record of sleeping 14 hours a day for around a month. Even if I don't want to sleep, I enjoy rolling around, daydreaming or reading in bed. I once told BF that if there's one day he wants to just stay in bed all day and have breakfast, lunch and dinner in bed, I will definitely agree. Disappointly, BF said that the only problem is he can never stay in bed all day.

On the other hand, due to my devoted love towards the bed, I am always a deep sleeper. One of the incidences is that when I was a little girl, my mom used to let me sit alone at the back seat of my father's car. One day, when I was napping in the car, my father got into his only car accident in life. My mom's immediate reaction was to come over to the back seat and see if I was ok. When she came to the back seat of the car, she saw me lying under the front seat motionless. She thought I was dead, so she held me close and started to have tears in her eyes. Then I woke up, looked into my mom's eyes and uttered, "Mommy, why are you crying?" It was a nice surprise for her, but it still makes she feel cheated, so she just put me back on the back seat and walked away.

Reason #2: No exercise

I think I have mentioned this before. I don't like exercising. Lucky enough, I don't have the need to go through a diet campaign which would definitely include exercising. I hate sweating basically because it makes me feel all gross, wet and stinky. Therefore, the only sport that I am willing to work on is water sports. However, it always seems to be a lot of work before a person can go swimming, especially you when you need all the time and effort to watch everything once you come home. So obviously, I don't swim frequently. And because of that, I have the exact muscle texture as a pillow -- fluffy.

Reason #3: Sleeping Posture

Another "pillow habit" of mine is that I love sleeping on my back. Sometimes, I try to cuddle with BF by sleeping on the side, but then after not too long, I would assume my position. I can't really understand why people like sleeping on their side, because I feel like my arm is being smashed by my body, pressure unevenly distributed on my body and it's simply uncomfortable.

So when I was tellilng BF this one day, he held a pillow, try to make it stand on its side, but it just doesn't work, then he said, "see? This is how similar you and pillows are!" Luckily, he has never compared the shape of a pillow and my body shape.

Do you have an interesting nickname?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Shhhhhhhhh..... It's a Secret Wedding!

I always want to have two weddings in my life; I don't mean that I want to get a divorce or remarry, instead a secret one and a formal one.

Marriage is a promise for the one you love. People who are actually involved in a marriage should just be the couple. Though some people say that in family-oriented societies, marriage is the union of two families, I still think it is the commitment entered by the couple only. At the end, strictly speaking, it is the couple who are forming a new family unit but not anyone else.

Therefore, I think it is a good idea for a couple to be away from their social circles and enjoy the moment of officially united to his partner. I would love to go on a trip with my fiancee and get maried at somewhere exotic. It can be Greece, with the most romantic sunset in the world; Paris, with the Eiffel Tower; or Japan, with the shade of peach blossoms. The procedure would be simple, no extravegant decoration, just my fiancee, the priest, the witnesses required and I. I will wear a simple white dress, holding the hand of my life-long partner and say "I do!" As it is already a trip, it provides the function as a honeymoon too. No one will know that we are married when we come back, even among the closest friends, it will be a life-long secret between the two of us. It would be romantic and satisfy the want to be a little irresponsible towards people around me. On the other hand, I would be able to adjust to a married life without the opinions or advices from anyone.

Though I have all these romantic ideas in my head, I am still concerned about the validity of the marriage. There is a legitimate doubt as to whether the marriage in that particular foreign country is recognized in my home town. At the end, the purpose of a wedding is not just a celebration for union, but also a social recognition which would bring upon rights and duties. Therefore, after a period of time enjoying a secret marriage, I would officially announce to people around me that my "fiancee" and I are going to get married, and do the whole legal procedure and ceremony as if no marriage is there. The period of time between the secret wedding and the official wedding depends on how much time I want for our marriage to be just my husband and I. I have seen people getting married and how stressful they are. There is the venue of the banquet, dresses, bridal party, bachelorette party, flowers, catering and all the other stuff. I think I would want all these only when I am fully prepared psychologically.

What is the perfect wedding in your mind?

Monday, August 16, 2010

Dear My Love ...

In the old days, there were no iPhones, laptops or cell phones. When people fall in love, they send each other letters to express their admiration and love; it is a big part of courtship. When lovers are separated, they rely on letters to hear from their lover and that's the only way.

After watching "Dear John" this morning, I started to think that if John and Savannah didn't exchange letters intensively at the beginning of their separation, not only that they wouldn't feel the existence of each other, they wouldn't have even made it the first first year or so. It is due to the constrain of means of communication that they wrote letters to each other, but I wonder how many people would actually write letters for the reason of enjoying how much emotion can be put on a piece of paper.

I love writing on paper; I write letters, cards, postcards and diary. I even enjoy arranging my days using a schedule book instead of any computerized schedule. I think drops of life can be shown in handwriting but not typing. It is the style of writing, the kind of pens they use and they paper they shoose that represents the writer as a whole. Due to my love towards writing on pieces of paper, I enjoy using a real pen and write to my boyfriend (BF). There are love letters, love notes and love cards. Of course, I still send out emails and presents, but I always make sure that I enclose something handwritten with anything I send. Recently, I wrote a little love note and stuck it in the wallet of BF. It has stayed there for a month already and BF insisted on keeping it though it causes embarrassment at times when other people notice it.

People always want to avoid trouble of using a nice piece of paper to write down their love, and that makes handwritten letters more precious and emotional. It is the effort that makes it more meaningful. How easy it is to type a message like "Dear Love, I am thinking about you right now and I want to let you know about it! Can't wait to see you tonight!" I don't even need a minute to type this. You can even eliminate the thought of sparing time, because when you have a blackberry, you can just send out a love text while you are waiting for your lunch. However, when it comes to letters, it actually requires time to sit down, think about what exactly you want to say, think about the person you have always love and use the right word to tell the person your feelings.

I don't know how much handwriting can actually enhance the quality of a relationship with your lover, but I am sure it carried a bit more love and makes you lover feel more special.

When was the last time you actually picked up a pen and wrote something sweet to your lover?

Friday, August 13, 2010

The City Girl is Back!!

Have you ever had a time when you want yourself to be back to a life style which you kind of miss? Or that you haven't done something for so long that you can simply spend the whole day doing that? I would say as time goes on and people move on with their lives, we usually just adapt to the lifestyle that reality requires us to be in and the desire of doing something we want would explode suddenly at some point.

Yesterday, I gave myself a holiday as the "house-girlfriend" (HGF) and turned myself back to the City Girl (CG) that I haven't been for some time! It's not because I hate being a "house-girlfriend", I just feel that it has been some time since I last wonder around in a shopping center for the whole day. This is how the day went:

First of all, since my boyfriend (BF) left home, I have done no housework. No doing dishes, no tidying up the apartment, no laundry, nothing! What I did instead, was to get changed into some casual clothes, walked to a drug store nearby and picked up a French Tip pen and some eyelashes after a chat with the saleslady. Then, I went straight back home and engaged myself with these new purchases. It was a lot of fun playing around with these new "toys" and be amazed by how much it can change my appearance. After that, I did some catch up with friends, and had some fun time reading blogs and news online.

When afternoon came, I put on my new top and some simple make up, and headed to the city center to meet up with BF for a lunch date. I had a wonderful time with BF during lunch, it makes me feel like we are seeing each other all the time, as it has only been around 4 hours since he left home. It also makes me feel so loved when BF complimented my look and expressed his delight of seeing me in the middle of the day. It's a romantic start for the afternoon.

After lunch, I walked back to his office with BF and started my shopping journey! It has been sometime since I last walked into every single store in the mall and just try on anything I am interested in! It was so much fun! I actually have difficult in taking off the shoes and gave them back to the saleslady when self-discipline told me to do so. I don't even understand why I love window shopping that much when I know I won't be able to or shouldn't get the merchandise. I guess I enjoy the process of being able to pick something great for myself.

Anyway, I walked for 4 hours, and then met up with BF and headed back home! But then my legs started to sore really badly and all I could do is to lie down. Still, there's a big smile on my face, as I had a really wonderful day!

I guess this is the kind of day everyone needs from time to time. It is fantastic to be able to indulge yourself and use all the free time to do things we like. It doesn't necessarily be shopping; it can be having a spa, reading a book or just anything!

Everyone, enjoy your life!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Right of Access

I always have special feelings about keys. Under Dictionary.com, one of the meanings of key is "something that affords a means of access" and the example is "the key to happiness". My love towards keys comes from the fact that from them I can have a right to get something or go somewhere that is not for everyone. It is similar to the feeling that you would have when you show your VIP card in a shop or a restaurant, then the receptionist smiles at you and let you it. A feeling of privilege.

A friend of mine has sent me a set of key chains for me and my boyfriend (BF), and somehow the conversation between BF and I comes to whether I should keep the keys of his apartment when I leave.

BF made a good point by sayin that the landlady probably won't be happy about a guest who took away a set of keys of the apartment, which allows me to have access to the apartment building. I personally think this is a reasonable argument, but not a strong one. My counter-argument is that I would be half way across the globe and I would say it is a bit over-sensitive if she thinks I am going to just walk into the building one day and make some damages. Plus, even if I am not taking the keys, BF may give it to somebody else for reasons such as to have a spare key in the case of losing keys, there is still a chance of the place being broken into at some point.

I actually want the keys for solely emotional purposes. For me, the set of keys is full of the memories that BF and I have in this apartment. They are the keys that lead me to the place where I have experienced so much love. I want to hold onto something that can symbolize the time when BF wants me to treat this place as my home and allow me to share his private world. On the other hand, the fact that BF gives me the keys doesn't mean that I am going to just come and go as I like, but it implies trust and that I am always welcome to come back. It is the kind of right that I want to have but I would never use.

Anyways, I guess I am just not ready to leave ...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

It's Time, Ladies!

There was once a very interesting conversation between me and a guy on the plane. He kindly advised me repeatedly that I should take good care of myself and be a bit selfish at times, because this is my life that I am living and I would want to fully enjoy it. Recently, I have been trying to explore how true this is and I figure that since life is all about pursuing happiness, it is probably right to do what he said.

There are ladies who have always been Miss Wonderful: they have been busy with something else, but not her very own physical or emotional need. They can be busy with school work to prepare themselves for future, wanting to climb up the career ladder and rule an organization just like her empire, or dedicating herself to people around her.

I always try to remind myself that being in good shape or trying to look good and feel good should always be at the top ten of my to-do list. However, only recently I once again get myself engaged into related activities, such as eating healthily, having facial treatment and thinking about what I have been feeling. I want to encourage everyone to just indulge yourself a bit more, treat your body and mind better, and treasure the youth and energy you have for now, because these are things that require effort to keep, and if you put in enough effot, you are entitled to more of it.

Recently, I seem to have a better understanding of myself and to know more of my emotion needs. My worries have been reminding me of their existence through dreams. There have been so many nights that I dreamt of being chased after, woken up feeling scared and did not want to go back to sleep. Those were vivid dreams that have been telling me of the pressure that I have been trying to escape from. I have been trying to escape from the fact that I am going to be half way across the world from BF again; the fact that I don't know when will be the next time we meet; the fact that the new job I am going to start on has a lot of uncertainties; the fact that there are a lot to handle when I go back to my hometown. I don't know what people usually do to deal with ehese worries. I have tried to be very optimistic and there seems to be reasons that I can be optimistic, but still, I can feel the pressure. My mom told me that successful people are just like diamonds, they are originally carbon which has to undergo a lot of pressure in order to turn into diamond. I wish I can do better and have a bit of luck at the end.

By making my own food these days, I also become a bit more aware of my diet. I started to put on a diet, which is not a diet in the common understanding, but an "eating responsibly diet". Isn't that interesting? The reason for not putting on a normal diet is because I am around 5 foot 6 and having a weight of 105 pounds, so I think what I need is not to get skinner, but to make sure that my blood vessels are not blocked by the cholesterol. I have heard of a lot of people saying that people can look slim but be too fat under the skin, this can possibly be worse than people who are obviously overweight as less attention is put on the health of the body, so I am trying to look a bit further into the nutrition of food too.

Wish you all a great life and treat yourself the way you (and your body) deserve!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Be Our Guest, Be Our Guest!

Last night was the third time and the last time for this trip that my boyfriend (BF) and I hosted a dinner party at our place. As usual, we did a lot of cleaning up and errands-running during the day before things are ready. There are housework such as cleaning the floor, doing dishes and having food ready. However, the process is enjoyable and delightful, because it is something that we both put effort in. I know I am going to miss this, especially when BF says he is holding another dinner party on his own. I will never forget the time when we plan different themes for the parties, trying out new dishes and having many kisses amongst all the work.

I always wonder what other couples like doing together; I know theree are couples who like camping, wine tasting, hiking or playing music. BF and I have been trying to find a hobby or something that we can do together during our leisure time; at the end, I guess BF and I are more the cooking together kind of couple. It is amazing how things can work out so well when two people beecome used to working together and having fun. Though I am the house-girlfriend, we always share our burden on making dinner. BF always handles things that have to be put into the oven (yes! I find the heat from an oven threatening) or steak, while I usually handle vegetables, sauce and different kinds of carbohydrates. It is very romantic when the two of us are getting better and better around the kitchen.

People always say that it is important for any couple to find something that they would enjoy doing together. I have to agree completely on that. All the moments BF and I worked together brings me sweet memories and extra confidence that we would be able to work together on future problems. I believe that everyone has their own working style and it is something that can hardly be changed. At thee same time, a long term relationship is exactly like a partnership in business, there are going to be ups and downs, and millions of problems to be solved by them. So I was very glad when I noticed that BF and I seem to solve problems in the same way and we can easily divide work among us that both of us are comfortable with. I will never forget the time when we plan out how we are going to pack for the move, how we pick furnitures, how we paint our bed, how we plan out our dinner parties and how we work in the kitchen. These are all memories of our love; I wish I can put them in the fridge and keep them fresh all the time.

I hope I can be a hostess with BF again soon ....

Friday, August 6, 2010

Where is the Point of No Return?

This image is from The Onion, which had a fake news report on 26 July 2010 (http://www.theonion.com/articles/trojar-introduces-no-ones-pleasure-condoms-for-bit,17781/) about the invention of a new line of condoms for bitter and resentful couples called "No One's Pleasure". The article demonstrates how well thie new version of condom can enhance alienation between the couple with functions such as quarter-inch-thick layer of non-lubricated latex with a unique abraxive texture that creates a variety of stinging sensations "for both him and her". It also mentioned that the demand of the society has been really high as there are a large number of couples who stay together with hatred and wanting to use sex to torture each other. This triggers me to think about how far at one point that a couple not only no longer love each other, but starting to hate each other.

To be honest, whenever I think about my past relationships, I always sigh. I sighed because there were wonderful moments in those relationships, but the ending is just a real disappointment. I guess I always try to put away negative memories. Such tendency can be shown by me throwing out hostile letters from ex-boyfriends while keeping the love letters. Time helps with forgetting things, and I would help myself in living more happily by doing it selectively.

However, I have also seen people who can't take the thought of a past relationship, destroy all sorts of possible memories and replace those with hatred. If the relationship is long enough, it is almost like a massive tidy up of the home. I had an ex-boyfriend who once told me that he burnt all my love letters when we had a big fight and was at the edge of breaking up. And there are a number of friends who feed all the "evidence of a relationship" to the garbage bin.

I have a Buddhism story which I want to share at this point (even if you are not a Buddhist, I think you would enjoy it):

One day Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude yound man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right to teach others, " he shouted, "you are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing."

Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man, "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does this gift belong?" The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "it would belong to me, because I bought the gift."

Buddha smiled and said, "that is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurting yourself. If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone's happy.

I guess the message of the story is clear enough. Let's hope that even if the "No One's Pleasure" is being promoted into the market in the future, it won't be needed.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I Want Nobody, Nobody, but You!

There was once a dialogue between my boyfriend (BF) and I:


Being in a relationship is the easiest reason for me to resist the frequent temptation of which I see an attractive woman walking down the street and my desire says to me that I would like to have sex with her. If I am not in a relationshp, I would go down the list of available reasons such as I am not good looking or successful enough, which would probably make me feel not as nice as using the "loyal boyfriend" one.


As a girl, I would say most girls want to have admirers all the time. It doesn't matter whether she is in a relationship or not. They probably won't want admirers who are stalkers or people as crazy as that, but they definitely would love it if people start sending flowers annoymously. However, when girls are not getting any admirers, the most convenient reason to explain this would be that they are in a relationship instead of being not attractive or charming enough. Some girls, if they are not in a relationship, they would even go so far as to say they are mingling too closely with some guys which makes potential dates think that they are not available.

See the similarity? It seems like both men and women have a tendency to enjoy the stimulation from someone who is not their official partner. This seems nothing real, but the interesting thing is how similar the way of thinking works between men and women as they try to resist the temptation. Yes! You can view the desire triggered as the basic foundation for cheating, but then such attraction can also be like beautiful shoes for girls or the newest electronics for guys in a store that you saw and stopped yourself from getting them out of pure self-discipline. Whether such tendency would lead to cheating is a complete different matter. Most of the times, when a man or a woman keeps the "being in a relationship" in their available reasons list, it is less likely for them to cheat simply because they treat themselves as unavailable initially instead of "it's complicated" kind of status. Though it might sound lame, I think it really is a matter of choice at the end as to cheat or not. There are so many ways to handle the excitement of meeting someone new, you can cheat on your partner, you can break up with your partner and go for the new one completely clean, you can simply ignore this new person you met or you can turn this temptation into a friend (while some have the intention to take it as a spare potential relationship). Most of the times I can't understand people who just cheat consistently, as if it is not a big deal. However, since I said before that it is their own choice, I guess I can only disagree but respect. What would your choice be?

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The M&M Incident

The M&M incident (which is the short form for "Movie & Me Incident") happened a couple nights ago, when my boyfriend (BF) and I were having a home-made candle-lit dinner. We were enjoying ourselves and talking about a movie BF has been looking forward to. The talk started to go to how we should prepare for this movie viewing. BF then started his declaration towards his love for movies:
"Whenever I watched a movie that I have been looking forward to, I become some sort of a dictator and I just can't tolerate any sort of distraction. I would put all my attention to just the movie. I would order a pizza and have drinks ready, so that I don't have to move much during the movie. I would also turn off my cell and Blackberry, so that I won't be disturbed while I am enjoying the movie. This movie that I am going to watch is super violent. Do you want to watch it with me? Or should I watch it alone? [I suggested that I would try to watch the movie with him. If I can't take it, I will just leave the couch and read a book.] Oh no! I won't let you do that! You either sit through the movie or you don't try at all!"

Here comes my response: I wish you treat a date exactly like the way you treat a long-waited movie! It totally makes sense if the passage above is amended to this:
"Whenever I have a date that I have been looking forward to, I become some sort of a dictator and I just can't tolerate any sort of distraction. I would put all my attention to just that date. I would reserve a table and have flowers ready, so that I won't have to plan much during the date. I would also turn off my cell phone and Blackberry, so that I won't be disturbed while I am enjoying the date."

BF's immediate response is guilt (and the funny thing is that just a while before that he checked his phone during dinner for an SMS). The point that I am trying to demonstrate is not how sorry BF should feel, or whether I am being overly demanding. I didn't intend to make him feel bad. It is just something that pops out of my mind. I have to clarify that I understand a certain degree of interruption in an informal date.

The point is more to the fact that when people start spending their lives together or when their relationship becomes long enough, romance is no longer a delicacy and you no longer need to have continuous special dates to feel loved. Romance becomes something that surrounds you all the time. It is no longer something you deliberately seek, build or give. It simply flows automatically. When it is the beginneing of a relationship, people tend to bring out all sorts of romantic ideas, and it is always like the dessert of a meal that it's small in quantity but brings out a high intentsity of emotion. It makes you feel important and admired. However, as time goes on, romance becomes all courses of a meal instead of just the dessert, and with a lower intensity of emotion triggering. The sweet thing os a relationship turns from getting flowers and having a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant downtown to giving your partner a kiss when he steps out of the door to go to work and cuddling on the couch while watching TV and eating chips. Some people like living in the dessert stage, but I guess I would go for the whole meal!

Monday, August 2, 2010

I am Falling ... Catch me!

The phrase "fall in love" has always got my attention as I think it precisely describing how people become attracted to each other and develop a desire to be a part of each other's life. you probably have never heard of people saying they walk into love or talk into love, they fall in love instead. A similar idea is being demonstrated by the phrase "sweep me off my feet", which means that you suddenly find yourself falling in love completely with a person. If you visualize the phrase, you can see a typical football scene, in which a football player is being swept off his feet and fell. Such fall is exactly the same in nature as the kind of fall you face when you fall in love, which includes involuntariness, suddenness and an inability to react.

The special part about "falling in love" is that it is an enjjoyable kind of fall compared to a physical fall or a fall in the value of your property. It is a psychological fall which most people would enjoy the process. A person who is falling in love always think that the person she is falling for would be there to hold her in his arms at the very end of the fall and the whole process is then filled with hope. Sometimes it is the unpredictability of falling that makes it exciting and urges people to do whatever they can to win the heart of the person they fall for.

My boyfriend (BF) and I once explored this question: if you have to get married and you only have two choices, who would you pick? The first choice is a person who loves you deeply and will treat you like the most precious thing in the world; the second choice is a person who sweeps you off your feet but doesn't seem to care about you at all.

BF chose the second and his reason is that this is what love would make you do. My first reaction is that maybe I can stop treating him like he is the most precious thing in my life. My second reaction is asking how people can have the thought of risking the happiness of their life to get what they think they love. I know that when you love a person, you don't want to change him from who he is. Does that mean you will be living the rest of your life loving a person who is totally indifferent about your feelings? Or does that mean people always have the possible false hope that their love would be able to melt the cold heart of their partner? Obviously, my choice would be the first option. I believe that as love is a way of pursuing happiness. By seeing how much my partner has done for me, I would be able to give him all my love naturally and be happy ever after. I bellieve that it is always better to leave the change to yourself than to hope for a change in the unforeseeable future and the unpredictable partner. Does that mean I don't know how to love?

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Across the Water, Across the Deep Blue Ocean

I am actually away from my home town in the meantime, because I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend (BF) for around a year and 3 monthes and I am seeing him right now, which put me into the house-girlfriend position that I mentioned before. Since this relationship has started, I have developed more thoughts about long distance relationships which I think would be interesting to share.

The first thing is that you never get to know the daily life details of your lover through the internet. I was amazed by how much I discovered about BF since I started living with him this summer. None of the discoveries are major things, but they all help in forming a more complete picture of who I am actually falling in love with. There are things like whether he snores or not, how he likes putting his personal hygiene products, how he likes his computer to be set up, how much he swears at the computer, how little vegetables he eats every day or approximately how many cans of club soda he drinks per day. These things are not material to the relationship, but they increase the feeling of intimacy. The fact of the matter is that if you want a relationship with a guy and he becomes a part of your life, then you would want to understand this person as much as you want to understand yourself.

The other interesting thing is that I got an illness after starting a long distance relationship and that is called "Lover-Waiting Syndrome". The symptons of this illness are the continuous usage of Facebook, and a deterioration of eyesight due to continuous staring at the online list on Facebook chat. When I have something exciting to tell or sorrow to share with my lover, I normally would not want to just disturb his daily routine by calling his cell. So what I would do is I would go on Facebook chat, check the online and offline status of the list as frequently as traders would check the ups and downs of a stock. As soon as BF pops up on the online list, I would just frantically type out the incident and hope that he won't just be too busy to check the chat box and just go offline. It actually took me a lot of determination to get rid of this habit as it basically can stop my day for an unreasonable length of time. Thanks to the SMS function of Skype that actually makes my life way easier.

Somehow it occurs to me that being in a long distance relationship actually requires a kind of faith like believing in God, even though I am not a believer of any kind of religion. You talk to him and he will respond (exactly like the way praying is supposed to work) and you basically have to believe in all that he said. The only difference is that there will not be any after life consequences in a long distance relationship and you can control whether you want to just get out of the whole thing or not. To be frank, you would never know whether he was actually in the office working or he was in the office but hooking up with the secretary (but then I doubt whether you would know it even if you are in the same city as your partner). Anyway, if you are the kind of person who needs a lot of reassurance and the sense of security, longn distance relationship probably is not the thing for you, and you should look around more to search for you true love instead of travelling across the deep blue ocean.